Short scripts: BEING KICKED IN THE BALLS VS. CHILDBIRTH

Amanda: Hi, I'm Amanda!

Jason: And I'm Jason!

Amanda: And we're here to debate, and resolve, a topic that comes up constantly on Twitter and Youtube and whatever other social media you're wasting your time on. What is more painful: (covers her crotch, opens her eyes wide, speaks in an extra-high voice) Getting kicked in the balls...

Jason: Or... (mocks labor pains, moaning and panting. He's got one hand on his crotch and one hand behind his back, hiding something from the camera. He drops it between his legs. It's a rubber toy baby. It plops on the floor) childbirth.

Amanda: Very tasteful, Jason.

Jason: Thank you, Amanda. Anyway, ladies first.

Amanda: Thank YOU, Jason. And I say that childbirth is clearly, obviously, without question, more painful. WHY is this even a debate?

Jason: Amanda, I must retort. Think about this: Women are happy about having kids. How many guys do you know are happy about having his nuts crushed?

Amanda: (roll eyes) Well, let me ask you something. Have you ever seen a vagina?

Jason: I have seen many vaginas.

Amanda: And I assume you’ve also seen a baby?

Jason: Yes.

Amanda: Okay, imagine that baby passing through one of those “many vaginas” that you’ve seen. Doesn’t that look like it hurts?

Jason: Yes, but getting kicked in the jewels still hurts more. They did a study. Getting kicked in the testicles is 27,000 Del units of pain, which is the equivalent to stepping on thirty-eight Legos with your bare feet and then getting trampled by fifteen horses. 

Amanda: “Del units”? Is that even a real thing? You read that on the internet. The only people talking about “Del units” are guys who want sympathy for getting kicked in the balls. No doctors talk about “Del units”. It’s a fake statistic.

Jason: Okay, you asked me a question earlier. Now I have a question for you. Have you ever kicked a guy in the balls? 

Amanda: Yes.

Jason: (Surprised) Really? Why?

Amanda: Well, there was the guy at a bar last week who grabbed my ass, then there was that creep who kept staring at my boobs, and the guy who called me a bitch and then this one guy with a REALLY bad comb-over who tried to hit on me at–

Jason: Okay, you can stop now.

Amanda: Alright, but what was the point of that?

Jason: The point is that I’m now a little scared of you. I now know not to grab your ass, stare at your boobs, call you a bitch or hit on you if I ever have a bad comb-over because you’ll kick me in the nuts.

Amanda: You bet I will.

Jason: Okay so, by that logic, if a guy gets a girl pregnant, are you now scared of him?

Amanda: What? That doesn’t even make sense. This argument might be too hard for you. You may need to rest your head. I think I saw a pillow somewhere over there… (points off-camera)

Jason: Well, we need to resolve this debate. We promised.

Amanda: I know how to resolve it.

Jason: How?

Amanda: All you have to do is look up (points upward). 

Jason: Look up? Are you serious?

Amanda: Yes, look up. The answer is right up there. 

Jason: Alright. (looks up at the ceiling) What am I supposed to be seeing?

Amanda: (kicks him in the balls very hard)

Jason: (squeals in pain and clutches his poor manly parts)

Amanda: So, do you feel like you won this debate?

Jason: (strained voice, really hurting) No.

Amanda: (smiles big, jumps with joy) Really? So, I won?

Jason: (nods, barely able to speak) Yes.

Amanda: You were arguing just to argue, right? Clearly, I made more sense.

Jason: (face turning red, completely stunned, about to fall over) Yes. 

Amanda: You know, I really admire you right now. To admit that you’re wrong definitely takes... well, it takes balls. 

Jason: (moans, falls to the floor, curls up in a fetal position)

Amanda: (giggles) I knew you’d see things my way.